When being perfect is directly attached to identity, things get messy.
It’s a Monday night and I’m finishing my second episode of Master Chef, as one does on a snowy weekday evening. I have a love-hate relationship with the show. On the one hand, I respect the judges’ passion for food, and I enjoy watching them help competitors with an intensity that reminds me of many coaches that I’ve had along the way. On the other hand, I wish they would eliminate Jeff.
We are reaching the end of the episode and it’s that time when the two competitors who are up for elimination have brought their dishes forward. Adam, a Harvard student, stands behind his plate, head held high. The challenge is to re-create Gordon Ramsay’s take on chicken and potatoes, it is very fancy, so much truffle oil. Adam is proud of himself; he is getting emotional as he walks his dish up to the front. Cut to the interview, and he is talking about the pressure he feels in his family to be the best. He is explaining what it is like to be at Harvard, and that anything less than perfect is unacceptable. Bravo editing team.
As the music hits its’ most dramatic peak, Ramsay cuts into the chicken breast. It’s raw. Adam unravels. From the balcony, other competitors try to comfort him and the tears start. His shoulders shake, but his face remains as still as possible. His opponent in the challenge crosses the room to hug him. Even Ramsay feels so bad that he is fumbling around trying to find something right with the dish. I look over at my husband, the most easygoing person I know, and he gives me a big eye roll- he doesn’t get it. To be fair, 50% of our Master Chef watching experience is synchronized eye rolling. This time though, I’m not rolling my eyes. I know exactly how Adam feels. To him it is not just undercooked chicken, it is his inadequacy on a plate, and that’s the curse of unhealthy perfectionism.
I have upped my perfectionism research in recent months for three reasons. The first, is that it is such a common theme among the athletes that I work with, that not knowing would be irresponsible. The second, is the constant stream of ‘ah-ha’ moments that I have been having, both for my athletes’ lives and my own. It is a powerful thing to read research that explains why your first reaction to leaving your purse at Starbucks is to ask your husband why he married you. The third, and most important reason, is empathy. If I can watch Adam have a melt-down about raw chicken, and really feel the pain of reacting to imperfection with him, then I can better understand how to be ‘in it’ with my clients, and how to guide their performance journeys using self-compassion and forgiveness. Who knew Gordon Ramsay would have such a profound impact on my work.
“The difference between healthy and unhealthy perfectionism doesn’t have to do with the effort to be perfect, it has everything to do with the reaction to imperfection.”
Perfectionism is not a bad word, in fact it is often used a badge of honor. Saying “I’m a perfectionist” is kind of like using the phrase “I’m so busy” proudly, or one-upping someone’s inadequate sleep schedule to prove that you have incredible work ethic. I have had many athletes look at me with confusion when the topic comes up, they ask “Why wouldn’t you want me to try to be perfect?”, and they aren’t wrong to wonder. To strive for perfection is not a bad thing. Plenty of high performers want to be perfect; they pay attention to detail, they form good habits, they do the extra work required to be great. As long as the behavior to get to perfect is healthy, it’s not a bad gig. Perfectionists usually enjoy being perfectionists, until they undercook a chicken breast.
With that being said, it is time to fill you in on the secret. The difference between healthy and unhealthy perfectionism doesn’t have to do with the effort to be perfect, it has everything to do with the reaction to imperfection. In other words, what meaning is being assigned to imperfection? For the person who experiences flaws or mistakes as a determination of character and self-worth, messing up can be incredibly daunting. When being perfect is directly attached to identity, things get messy.
Picture these two athletes, both have been training for years with the idea of a perfect performance in mind. They have sacrificed time, money, their bodies and their social lives to get to this point. They have been striving for perfect since they can remember.
Gymnast ‘A’ enters the floor and waits for her music to start. Her mind is clear and free, she feels prepared and ready to chase after the elusive perfect score. She trusts herself and all of the practice she has put in to carry her forward, and at this point it’s time to get out of her own way and let her body take over. She carries with her the support of her family, friends, and coaches like fuel pushing her forward.
Gymnast ‘B’ enters the floor and waits for his music to start. He can’t shake the ‘What- If’s” that race through his brain. A fall would mean that all of his hard work means nothing. What would his coach say? How could he even look in the mirror? What if they replay it over and over again on TV? He carries with him the support of his family, friends, and coaches like a bomb waiting to explode. What if he fails them?
Or, consider these two entrepreneurs. Both have quit their full time jobs to pursue bringing their passion to life, and are trying to make some money while they are at it. They have put their financial security on the line, and they are working tirelessly to make it happen.
Entrepreneur ‘A’ has a big pitch coming up. If successful, it could be the difference between a month to month struggle, and financial security for the next year. She wants it to be perfect, so she goes for it, first dumping all of her ideas out then refining them over and over until they feel right. She might find a few mistakes or corrections during the presentation, but she sees this as a learning experience for the next pitch. There will always be a next pitch.
Entrepreneur ‘B’ has a big pitch coming up. If she fails that could mean she has to go back to the full time job she just left, which would make her an embarrassment. It has to be perfect, so she puts it off. She wants it to be the best thing she has ever done, which feels so daunting that she can’t start the task. She puts it off until the night before and pulls an all-nighter to get it done. She shows up tired, nervous, and blaming herself for being too lazy.
Who do you think is under more self-inflicted pressure? Who do you think will burn out or quit sooner? Who do you think will be quicker to lose their connection to their passion?
Your answer should be ‘B’, and there’s research to prove it!
For those who believe they might find themselves in group B, this is not more ammo to use against yourself when the ‘What-If’ monster speaks up. It’s good news. The first step to working on any performance blocker is self-awareness. Here are some tried and true methods to battle unhealthy perfectionism.
Mindfulness
It’s a buzzword for a reason. Start clue-ing your body in to the experiences you have relating to perfectionism. A client of mine just discovered the acronym RAIN by Michele McDonald to help with the practice of mindfulness, and I love it so much.
R- Recognize what’s going on
“I am feeling _______” I know this because I’m shaky, or my throat feels tight, or I have butterflies in my stomach.
A- Allow the experience to be there
Instead of fighting it or getting down on yourself for feeling a way you know you shouldn’t, try letting it go.
“I am feeling_____ and it’s ok”
I- Investigate with kindness
What does the feeling mean? I am shaky and my throat is tight because I am scared I might be unworthy.
“I am feeling______ because ______ and it’s ok”
N- Natural Loving Awareness
Is it true? Letting yourself know that you don’t have to believe the thought, knowing that there is nothing wrong with you. The story you are telling yourself might not be wrong.
“I am feeling_____because____ and it’s ok, it is just a temporary thought passing through”
Find a Voice to Chime In
While working on RAIN, it is helpful to have someone around to be a support. Have an important person in your life ask the question “Is that true?” as a gentle nudge when you spiral.
Know your Values
Acting in a way to avoid the discomfort of imperfection is no way to live. Of all the conversations I have as a mental performance coach, “acting in service to your values” is the most common one. What matters to you?
Pursue Success v. Avoid Failure
This one is easier said than done, but once you can identify that icky feeling in your stomach that signals a perfectionist’s spiral, it can be helpful to ask yourself what behaviors bring you to success and which ones are motivated by success. Think of it as a data gathering project about yourself.